Voyager and the Bug
by Sam C
Summary: Wait a minute, that's not - Starbug? In the Delta Quadrant! Rimmer, Lister et al are guests on Voyager. Let the fun begin! I've taken some liberties with the characters, especially the RD crew - they are more like they were in Series 1 - funnier!
1. Chapter 1

Voyager and the Bug

Captain Janeway strode onto Voyager's bridge to start the daytime shift. One by one the senior officers appeared, with Tom Paris predictably last.

"Forty seconds early, Mr. Paris. This must be some sort of record!" grinned Chakotay, eliciting a chuckle from the Captain.

Bringing the usual banter to an end, Tuvok spoke loudly, pressing buttons on his console.

"Captain, I am detecting a spatial anomaly twenty thousand kilometres off our port bow."

"Confirmed, Captain," added Harry. "I am reading…something."

"Can you be more specific, Mr. Kim, or is it a little early in the morning?"

"It's a distortion wave, it's – wait, I'm getting something else. Something is coming out."

Janeway stood and turned to face her security officer. "What is it, Tuvok?"

"It appears to be a small craft of an unknown configuration. Its propulsion systems are off-line. Bringing it up on screen…now."

Every person on the bridge turned simultaneously towards the viewscreen. Paris laughed, pointing at the image of the ship displayed in from of him.

"Looks like a frog, or an insect or something!"

"Life signs?" asked Janeway, examining the craft closely. It was unlike any vessel they had encountered so far during their travels through the Delta Quadrant.

"I am reading three life signs, Captain. One human, one hologram and a feline humanoid."

Janeway turned to stare at Tuvok.

"Feline humanoid?" She raised her eyebrows enquiringly.

"A cat man, Captain," joked Tom.

"Hail them, Harry," ordered Janeway. There was a brief pause as Kim quickly tapped buttons.

"They are responding, Captain, audio only."

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Do you require assistance?"

The comm system crackled, then a man's voice spoke.

"Well, we could use some beer, and maybe…a chicken vindaloo?"

Janeway turned to Chakotay who shrugged. Janeway leaned towards him and said quietly "In all my years aboard starships that's got to be the strangest thing I've heard on making first contact."

Chakotay nodded his agreement.

"To whom am I speaking?" demanded Janeway, sitting back down in her chair to await the reply.

"Oh, sorry, Lister, Dave Lister. Listen, we're a bit confused over here – where are we, and where are you from?"

Janeway could hear a voice talking over the mysterious Mr. Lister in the background, demanding that it speak to her, and she waited.

"Ah, Captain Janeway, delighted to meet you. I am Captain Arnold J. Rimmer of the Starbug. Perhaps we could come aboard your ship and discuss our…situation?"

The Captain turned again to Tuvok. "Do you detect any threat from these people?" she asked.

"Negative, Captain. Weapons are minimal."

"Captain Rimmer, we will beam the three of you aboard. Prepare for transport."

"Wait, Captain," the first voice spoke again. "There are four of us – me, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten. He's a mechanoid, erm, he needs a few repairs though. By the way, Rimmer's not really a captain, he –"

"Lister!" A strangled hiss was all Janeway heard before communications were abruptly cut off. She rested her head on her hand and smiled, with the distinct feeling that this would be an…interesting encounter.

***********

Janeway, Tuvok and Seven-of-Nine arrived together in transporter room 2. The Captain nodded at the crewman manning the transporter, signalling him to energise. Four figures materialised on the transporter pad.

The human was dressed in what Janeway would only loosely refer to as clothing. Stained and rumpled, the man did possess a cheeky grin, and she suspected that this was the individual calling himself Dave Lister.

Next to him stood a man dressed in an all-in-one purple catsuit which reminded Janeway of Seven-of-Nine's usual attire. He was impeccably groomed with the whitest teeth she had ever seen, and as she looked closer she saw that the canines were long and pointed. 'This must be the Cat', she surmised.

To the left of the Cat was the hologram – rather obvious because of the large letter 'H' on his forehead. He looked more like an officer, wearing a blue uniform with polished shoes and a neat haircut. Then there was the mechanoid, not as human-looking as the Enterprise's Commander Data, with a square-cut face and a metallic body covering.

The four slowly stepped forward and Janeway greeted them in the usual manner, introducing Tuvok and Seven in the process. The scruffy human replied first.

"Hi, Captain, wow, what a great ship you've got. And that was some ride over here! Oh, sorry, I'm Dave Lister, this is the Cat, Rimmer and Kryten."

Cat had sidled close to Seven-of-Nine, who regarded him suspiciously.

"Can I help you?" she demanded, fixing Cat with a steely stare. Cat sniffed and grinned.

"Sure, baby, you can help me any day! What's say we take a walk, have dinner, get to know each other?!"

"All in good time, Mr Cat," interrupted Janeway. "For now, let's start with the basics. Tuvok, escort our guests to quarters, see that they get a hot meal and a bath for those who…need it. Briefing room, one hour."

"Aye, Captain. This way, please."

The visitors trooped out after Tuvok, leaving Janeway and Seven-of-Nine completely and utterly bewildered.


	2. Chapter 2

Voyager and the Bug – Chapter 2

Rimmer, Lister and Cat, after being shown to guest quarters to freshen up, were seated at the briefing room table opposite Janeway, Chakotay, Seven-of-Nine and Paris. Torres was working with the mechanoid in engineering to correct a small amount of damage, mostly structural. Lister was dressed in clothing identical to that which he wore when the Starbug crew transported to Voyager except for the minor detail that it was clean. Janeway smiled, suspecting that Tuvok had been busy with a replicator. Having exchanged pleasantries once more Janeway felt it was time they got some answers from their guests.

"Well, gentlemen, what brings you to the Delta Quadrant?" she began, holding a mug of coffee in her clasped hands and regarding Lister intently. Despite the hologram calling himself Captain when they first met (but never since then) she was certain that the real leader of this group of misfits was the man with the charming grin.

"Erm, it's hard to say, really. Let me see, we were in Starbug, Cat was flying, and he, er, reported an unusual phenomenomenon –"

Tom attempted to stifle a laugh which eventually came out as a snort.

"Phenomenomenon? Captain, can we scan for those?"

Janeway glared at him before turning back to Lister, though inside she was dying to laugh.

The Cat interrupted before Lister could carry on, and Janeway shook her head in amazement as she listened to him speak.

"Yeah, I was just polishing my shiny buttons, and then all these blue lights were flashing, so I looked out the window and there was this swirly thing, so I shouted 'swirly thing alert', and then –"

"Then we found ourselves here, Captain." The hologram, Rimmer, spoke for the first time. "And what a delightful craft you have. I must say of all the ships I have seen, yours is-"

Lister interrupted at that moment, and Janeway wondered privately how often any of them actually managed to finish a sentence.

"Captain, where is 'here' exactly? Are we still three million years from Earth?"

The man sounded so serious that this time Janeway did permit herself a chuckle. Three million years? These people were even more lost than Voyager!

"We are approximately sixty thousand light years from Earth, Mr. Lister, and we too are trying to find our way there. Earth, and planets near her are our homes, and we have been trying to get back for almost five years. Unless we find a short cut it will still take decades to reach Earth. Now, can you tell me, what happened to you? How did you get so far away from Earth?"

Rimmer jumped in quickly and Janeway could tell that this was a sore point between the hologram and Lister. She stole a glance at Chakotay who appeared fascinated by the visitors.

"It was all HIS fault," began Rimmer, jabbing a finger towards Lister. "He got put into stasis because of this stupid cat's great-great-great-great-grandmother, so I had to fix the drive plate by myself. It exploded – through no fault of my own – and the crew were turned to radioactive dust. That was all that was left of us, Captain. Except ferret-face, who happily snoozed away in stasis whilst I was being murdered! Then he gets out, three million years later, and I have to put up with him constantly smoking and humming and -"

"Captain, it wasn't like that, see I had this cat, Frankenstein, and Captain Hollister said he would cut her up and run tests on her, or he'd put me into stasis and lock Frankenstein in the hold. What else was I supposed to do, eh?"

"And who went and lost Red Dwarf, hmm? So we're all cooped up in that rusty old sardine can with only one toilet-"

"Chill out, man, we'll find Red Dwarf again. I'll remember where we parked eventually!"

Rimmer was still muttering under his breath whilst the Cat nodded along with Lister's version, picking invisible specks from his sleeves and grinning at Seven-of-Nine when he thought nobody was looking, which Janeway chose to ignore for now.

"Gentlemen, I get the idea. My Chief Engineer tells me that your ship has sustained only minor damage which is easily repaired, however she was surprised by your…technology. You can only travel at Warp 1, is that correct?"

Lister and Rimmer looked at each other and pulled faces. "We're not exactly engineers, Captain," Rimmer started.

"Nor scientists," added Lister. "Actually, come to think of it, we're not cooks, officers, navigators…" He tailed off with a wistful expression.

"Who's the pilot?" asked Paris, rubbing his hands together.

"Well, we just sort of take it in turns, really, you know, for everything."

Janeway could not imagine how the three men seated across from her would last a nanosecond on their own in the Delta Quadrant. Few skills, an obvious lack of command structure, a human Cat fascinated by women and shiny things. Unless the mechanoid who was currently in engineering was these people's version of the Enterprise's Commander Data, it would end in disaster, she was sure.

"My First Officer, Chakotay, will show you around the ship. We can all meet again for dinner, if that is all right with you gentlemen?"

Lister grinned and leaned towards Janeway, mock-whispering, "How about just you and me, Cap'n?"

The Captain caught Chakotay's amused glance and rose from her chair. "I wouldn't want to neglect our other guests, Mr. Lister," she replied, adding "Oh, Mr. Rimmer, we have a hologram on our crew, our Chief Medical Officer. I thought you might like to meet him first? I'm heading that way myself, I can show you the way if you like."

"Absoluwhat, Captain, after you," Rimmer proclaimed gallantly, causing snorts of laughter from his two companions. He scowled at Lister as he followed Janeway out of the briefing room.

***********

"Chakotay, if he touches one more thing in my engine room I swear I'll-"

"Calm down, Torres, I'll keep an eye on him. These people are curious, our technology is far in advance of theirs and completely different. They're bound to be interested."

Torres took a deep breath and blew it out through her nose.

"I'll try to be more…tolerant, Commander, but it's just – hey! Hey, don't you dare touch that!"

The Cat was peering at the main engineering console, moving his head round to see from different angles. He pointed at a button.

"Hey, what's this one do?!"

"That alters the plasma injection rate."

"Can I press it?"

"No, you cannot press it! Commander?!"

Chakotay led Cat away to join Lister and Paris, who were chatting by the doors. He caught some of their conversation and smiled.

"Challenging our guest to a game of pool, Mr. Paris? Is that wise – you might lose, you know."

Paris laughed. "I think I'll risk it, Commander. So," he said, turning back to Lister, "are you up for a game tonight, in the holodeck? I know this lovely little bar we can visit, perhaps gather a few ladies together, if you know what I mean?"

Lister's cheeky face lit up at the idea and inwardly Chakotay groaned. Their guests needed watching for their own protection, he felt, as pressing random buttons and chasing 24th century women were equally dangerous pastimes.


	3. Chapter 3

After leaving the visitors with Neelix and Tuvok in the mess hall, Chakotay went to meet the Captain in her ready room. Janeway would want to discuss the strange guests and he wanted to be sure that they wouldn't be disturbed. He reached out and pressed the door chime.

"Come in," shouted Janeway. She was sitting at a computer console with – predictably – a mug of coffee in one hand, and she looked up as Chakotay entered. Waving him over, she nodded at the screen in front of her. "Look at these schematics of their ship, Chakotay. I've never seen anything like it. It uses completely different propulsion systems, construction materials, everything. If these people really are from Earth, it's a different Earth to the one we know."

Chakotay leaned against the table next to Janeway. "I see what you mean, Captain. Are you saying they're from an alternate reality, a different timeline perhaps?"

"Maybe. I don't know, and we certainly can't ask them – they appear to have no clue about how they got here. I spoke to Kryten, the mechanoid, whilst he and some of the engineering crew were working on their ship. He has no more idea than the rest of them. I'm sure they'd let us take a look at their sensor logs, or whatever their equivalent is. Contact B'Elanna, ask her to get on it first thing in the morning."

"Aye, Captain. Anything else?" asked the First Officer.

"Just make sure they're not left alone, or they'd probably manage to set the self-destruct!"

Both officers laughed and Chakotay stood up.

"See you in Sandrine's, then," said Janeway. "I'm going to take a shower and change this uniform – I think Mr. Lister's scruffiness might be catching!"

*****************

Back in their quarters, Rimmer watched whilst Lister tugged off his boots.

"You're disgusting, you know that, Lister?"

"What? What now?"

"If that pointy-eared chap hadn't given you clean clothes you'd have worn those socks for another fortnight. I don't know how it's always you who gets the woman when I'm so much cleaner and better than you." Rimmer was practising his trademark salute in front of the bathroom mirror. Lister looked up from the bed he was sitting on.

"Ok, Rimmer, what's this about? You've been tetchy ever since we came on board."

"Let me have her, the Captain, Janeway. She's more my type anyway, far, far too smart for you, Listy."

"'Let you have her'? Rimmer, she's not a puppy; she's a living, breathing, sex goddess. And she likes me, I can tell. You can try that one with the forehead, you know, in engineering, you're always going on about aliens." Lister looked around, patting his pockets. "Rimmer, have you seen my cigarettes?"

Rimmer shook his head. "No. When did you last have them?"

"I definitely brought them on board, I remember 'cause I thought I'd run out and then I found those in my pocket."

"You did run out, I saw you smoke the last one. It was when we had all the margaritas and you insisted on playing your guitar with it stuck in your ear, and I said if you didn't stop playing I'd push it all the way in and see if it came out the other side."

Lister frowned, puzzled. "Yeah, you're right. So where did they come from, then?"

The shipmates looked at each other then, at almost the same instant, realisation dawned.

"It's the polymorph," said Rimmer. "It must have got onto Starbug when we were on that planet, and now you've brought it onto Voyager. Ooh, Listy, the Captain's not going to be very pleased with you, miladdo!"

The door beeped, and both Lister and Rimmer said "Come in." Kryten and the Cat entered, the latter now sporting a green suit with pointed lapels and gleaming silver buttons, with a multicoloured cravat and matching handkerchief protruding from the breast pocket.

"Good evening, Mr, Rimmer, Mr. Lister sir. Are you ready to go? After all, we don't want to keep the Captain waiting!"

"Erm, Kryten, we've got a bit of a problem. The polymorph's here, on Voyager. It looked like a packet of cigarettes and I put it in my pocket. We'd better tell the Captain."

The two security officers outside their quarters began to escort the four shipmates to the holodeck.

****************

"So, let me get this straight," said the Captain, her First Officer standing at her elbow. "You brought on board this…polymorph, which can change into anything at will, it escaped and is now roaming my ship with evil intent?"

"I'm sorry, Captain, it was an accident. We can help you look for it if you like," offered Lister whilst Rimmer stood behind him frantically shaking his head. The Cat was too busy eyeing Seven-of-Nine across the bar to be paying much attention to the conversation.

"Chakotay, tell Tuvok to organise search parties and run a full sensor sweep inside the ship. It shouldn't be too difficult to – oh!"

"What is it, Captain," asked Chakotay, concerned. Janeway shook her head. Suddenly, she felt a weird sensation along her arms that was now spreading over her whole body, and she was too surprised to speak. Suddenly, watched by all the senior officers and a good proportion of her crew, Janeway's uniform appeared to melt, slipping down to the floor where it transformed into a small, snake-like creature and slithered away through a ventilation grate, leaving Janeway standing in her underwear facing the shocked expressions on the faces around her.

For a moment, nobody spoke. Chakotay's face twitched, Lister grinned and the Cat ran his eyes up and down Janeway's sturdy figure. With as much dignity as she could muster – more than just about anybody else could have managed – she retrieved her comm badge, which had fallen to the floor, and pressed it.

"Janeway to transporter room two."

"Yes, Captain?"

"Beam me directly to my quarters, right away."

"Aye, Captain, prepare for transport."

The Captain turned her glare on Chakotay and spoke, enouncing each word so sharply that they could have etched steel.

"Find. That. Creature!"

Janeway disappeared in the familiar blue beam, leaving a group of very stunned officers and one very happy Lister.


	4. Chapter 4

Voyager and the Bug – Chapter 4

Janeway had donned a new uniform gingerly after thoroughly scanning it with a tricorder and hitting it with a few low-powered phaser bursts to make sure that it was what it appeared to be. She looked at herself in the mirror, shaking her head. 'At least I had decent underwear on,' she thought wryly. Her comm badge chirped as she was fixing it to her uniform.

"Tuvok to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"We have located the polymorph and contained it within a force field in sick bay."

"Good work, Tuvok. I'll decide what to do with it in the morning. Have Mr. Lister sent to my ready room, now. Janeway out."

The Captain headed towards the doors of her quarters, her face set in a stony expression that spelled trouble for Voyager's latest guests.

****************

"Let me make certain that I'm hearing you correctly, Mr. Lister," said Janeway, her tone calm yet deadly. "You _suspected_ that _possibly_ the polymorph _might_ have been aboard your ship, yet you _thought it would be ok_ to transport over here without even _mentioning_ it?" Her emphasised words dripped with sarcasm and Lister shifted uncomfortably as he wiped his nose on his sleeve and sniffed.

"But I didn't really _know_, Captain, and I just thought that…"

"You _thought_? Pardon me, Mr. Lister, but there doesn't appear to have been much thought at all on your part. You put my ship and my crew at risk, and that is unacceptable. No," she continued, holding up a hand as the scruffy man started to speak, "I don't want any excuses. What I want from you, what I _need,_ is an assurance that this will not happen again. Do I make myself clear?"

Lister raised his head and lifted his gaze from the floor, meeting Janeway's steely-grey eyes. Embarrassment wasn't usually part of his emotional repertoire but he felt it keenly now as he faced this impressive, commanding (and very hot) woman.

"It won't happen again, Captain. Can you forgive us?" he added cheekily with a hint of a grin. There was a long pause before finally Janeway smiled – a little frostily, thought Lister, but definitely a smile.

"Of course, Mr. Lister. _This_ time. Now, shall we return to the party and try to enjoy the rest of the evening, without any…further incidents?"

Janeway rose from her chair and gestured Lister towards the ready room doors, and he exited the room gladly.

* * *

On his return to the holodeck Lister immediately sought out Rimmer, who was clearly out of his depth in a conversation with Harry Kim about the simpler aspects of Voyager's propulsion system. Rimmer hastily excused himself when he spotted his shipmate approaching.

"Everything tickety-boo?" enquired Rimmer, noting with glee Lister's red-faced expression. Lister glared at him.

"Yes, no thanks to you. You could've come along, you know, moral support and all that."

"Ah well, Listy, someone had to stay here to represent Red Dwarf, and I don't think Cat and Kryten are up to the task," he replied smugly, pulling down his blue uniform shirt and puffing out his chest. "Give you a good telling-off, did she?"

"Yeah. I promised not to do it again though." Lister was watching Janeway chat to her fellow officers with a somewhat wistful curl of the mouth, but Rimmer was too busy working at one-upmanship that he didn't notice.

"Er, so you promised not to accidentally bring aboard another shape-changing life form disguised as a packet of Marlboroughs? Bit of a stretch there, but I think you'll manage it," Rimmer said briskly, clapping Lister on the shoulder. Lister flashed a sarcastic grin at the hologram, then a more serious note entered his voice.

"D'you think they've got any cigarettes on board?" he half-whispered, glancing around furtively (but ineffectively) to check he wasn't being overheard. Rimmer snorted.

"Oh yes, I'm sure they have tons of them, in fact they probably smoke them every night, then run to their holographic doctor every morning for lung repairs," sniggered Rimmer, then seeing his friend's confused face he added "No, of course not. These people are enlightened, intelligent human beings, unlike you, Lister. They'd no sooner smoke than run each other through with poison-tipped spears. Looks like you're going cold turkey, miladdo."

Rimmer walked away, laughing, and Tom Paris sidled out from behind a wooden pillar where he had been lurking.

"So, the Captain gave you a hard time, huh? Don't worry about it; everyone's been in her bad books occasionally. Now, how about a game of pool, and we can swap some adventure stories?"

Janeway watched as Lister and Paris racked up the balls, chatting and laughing together, and she leaned over to speak quietly to her first officer.

"Those two make me nervous," Janeway observed. "It's like trouble waiting to happen. There's just something about that Lister character that I don't trust." She smiled, dampening the seriousness of her remark. Chakotay nodded slowly.

"I know what you mean," he agreed, "he's a lot like the lieutenant when you first recruited him. We've managed to tame Paris – well, almost. I wonder if the same could happen with Mr. Lister, in time."

Janeway held up a hand as if physically pushing away this idea. "I don't plan on finding out. Once their ship is repaired and we figure out where they came from and how to get them back, I'm sending them on their merry way." She exhaled quickly, then took a sip from a glass of pale pink liquid she held.

"I mean," continued the Captain, "it's not just him. What about the others?" She gestured towards the Cat, who was preening himself as he looked into one of the mirrors behind the bar. "That one has hardly left Seven-of-Nine alone since he came on board. It's like he's never seen a woman before!"

"He probably hasn't," interjected Chakotay, but Janeway was in full flow.

"And the hologram. I'm sure he means well, but although he dresses like an officer he certainly doesn't act like one. I wouldn't trust him to scrub a plasma conduit, let alone repair a whatever-it-was that exploded on Red Dwarf."

"Drive plate," Chakotay interrupted once again, almost apologetically.

"Now the mechanoid, he's no Mr. Data obviously, but with a bit of Starfleet training he could be useful, even if only as a kitchen porter or a medical orderly…" Janeway's monologue tailed off as she watched Paris and Lister complete their game. She couldn't tell who had won, and didn't much care, but when the two men shook hands Lister winked at the Voyager officer and the two left the holodeck.

"Chakotay, should I send security to follow them, or am I being paranoid?"

"You're being paranoid, Kathryn. Tom is a reliable officer; I'm sure he'll watch our visitor."

* * *

In the Mess Hall, Paris and Lister were enjoying a particularly fine sample of Gkarian brandy that Neelix had acquired recently without going to the trouble of listing it on any purchase manifest. Both men downed their glass in one then coughed and spluttered as the potent liquid seared their throats. They dissolved into hysterical laughter that only served to make them cough even harder. Lister wiped his eyes with a grimy sleeve.

"Reminds me of the Schnapps we used to get on Jupiter station. That didn't half pack a punch. Not as much as the time me and Petersen brewed up those potatoes on Red Dwarf, though, couldn't see for a week. We told Captain Hollister that Rimmer'd poisoned us 'cause we were being too noisy, what a laugh that was!"

Paris eyed his new friend curiously. "You really don't like him, do you?"

Lister contemplated this for a moment, rolling his glass between his palms. "Oh, he's not so bad," Lister admitted finally. "Bit of a smeg-head, y'know, but I mean he is dead, isn't he? If he'd just chill out a little, have some fun, but no – it's all about rules and regulations with him."

"I know what you mean. That describes pretty much everyone on Voyager, Dave. Directives this, protocol that."

"Not you, though?"

Paris grinned. "Me too, I'm afraid. Janeway has a way of making people more responsible, somehow. She gave me a chance after I thought I'd messed up completely. Speaking of which, we'd better get back to the holodeck or she'll send out a search party." The lieutenant groaned as he eased himself out of his chair, feeling the immediate effects of the strong alcohol.

"Can I just get a coffee?" asked Lister, nodding at the replicator with an innocent smile.

"Sure," replied Paris. "Help yourself. I've got to use the bathroom, so I'll see you back on the holodeck." He wobbled slightly as he approached the doors. They swished open and he disappeared from view. Immediately, Lister straightened and sprang up, rubbing his hands together and stepping in front of the replicator.

"Cigarettes, please," he ordered. A light flashed on the display then a single pathetic beep sounded.

"Cigarettes," repeated Lister, more insistently. The light flashed again, then the computer's toneless voice sounded.

_That item is not in the replicator database. _

Lister stared, perplexed. They hadn't heard of cigarettes? "Cigars, then," he demanded, as though sheer force of will would help.

_That item is not in the replicator database._

"Are cigarettes in any of your databases?" asked Lister sarcastically. He was pleasantly surprised by the answer.

_The historical database contains approximately two hundred and eight thousand entries on that subject._

"Does it say what they're made of?"

_Cigarettes consist of tobacco made from the dried leaves of plants of the genus Nicotiana, wrapped in a -_

"Yeah, yeah, stop! Can you make some?"

_Affirmative._

Lister banged his head several times against the wall. "Well do it, then!" he shouted with the unique exasperation of a nicotine addict deprived for too long. The replicator hummed and several cigarettes appeared as if by magic, though they looked to Lister more like oversized, badly-rolled spliffs. He picked one up and sniffed it experimentally before pulling a lighter out of one pocket. Flicking it, the cigarette caught alight and Lister took a long, satisfying drag, sinking back down into a chair and closing his eyes.

* * *

"Have you ever dated a cat before?" It was Cat's latest attempt to engage Seven in conversation. He had tried all his favourite topics – food, shiny things, fish, clothes – to no avail.

"I have not," replied the former Borg shortly. "Furthermore, I have no wish to. I think I shall retire now," she added, the last part aimed at the Doctor who had come over to rescue his friend only to be talked at by Rimmer, whose sole conversation with him revolved around how terrible it was to be a hologram.

"Oh, don't go, baby! We were just getting to know each other." Cat nudged up playfully against Seven, who regarded him with distaste.

"I think that's enough, Mr. Cat," the Doctor interrupted, sensing a diplomatic incident in the making and politely yet firmly steering the amorous feline away from a grateful Seven. Cat turned to Kryten, seated on a stool at the bar trying to look casual but looking as out-of-place as a washing machine in a sauna.

"Can't blame a cat for trying," he grinned, apparently unperturbed by Seven's cool response. Kryten nodded.

"Not at all, Sir. I think she might be starting to like you."

Cat eyed the mechanoid suspiciously. "Well anyway," he drawled, "where's old monkey-face got to?"

Rimmer, annoyed by the departure of his fellow hologram without even a goodbye, butted in. "Presuming you mean Lister, he was playing pool a minute ago with that boy-racer, what's his name, Berlin -"

"Paris, Sir," said Kryten, and Rimmer paused long enough to scowl.

"But I can't see him now. The idiot's probably gone looking for cigarettes. Look, there's Paris now." Rimmer pointed towards the doors where the lieutenant had just entered, alone. The three Red Dwarf crewmembers watched with amusement as almost immediately Captain Janeway descended on the unsuspecting officer, with Chakotay trotting behind. The exchange gradually increased in volume until -

"You did _what_?!" Janeway exclaimed, shaking her head. "And you left him there?!"

Paris looked around at the gaping mouths of their audience and grimaced. Rimmer couldn't hear his muttered words, but although Janeway's voice had reduced by a couple of dozen decibels her reply to his placations still rang out clearly.

"I suppose we can all be thankful for that. Where is he now?" As the words left the Captain's mouth a voice sounded from her comm badge.

"Bridge to the Captain. I'm reading an environmental contamination in the Mess Hall. No serious risk indicated, Captain."

Janeway looked daggers at Tom Paris. "Never mind," she snarled. She tapped her badge viciously as the entire population of Sandrine's looked on.

"Janeway here. I'll handle this." She turned, beckoning to Tuvok who was waiting attentively nearby. "Tuvok, take a security team to the Mess Hall and escort Mr. Lister to the brig. I won't object if you have to use force!"

"Captain, surely his misdemeanour is insufficient to warrant-" The Vulcan saw Janeway's eyes flash and sensibly stopped talking, nodding his assent and hurrying off without further talk.

When she turned towards Chakotay, the First Officer didn't hesitate.

"Alright folks, party's over. Go back to your quarters and resume normal duty shifts from 08:00 hours. You too, Tom," he added sympathetically, for he knew that in the morning the young officer would have a serious grilling to contend with.

"Shall I speak to Mr. Lister, Captain?" asked Chakotay. Janeway shook her head and moved away, towards the distinctly uncomfortable-looking Rimmer. Ignoring the other two, the Captain walked right up to the hologram and stood inches away. Rimmer jumped back a little before clearing his throat officiously.

"Well, Captain, Janeway, no doubt Lister will be adequately disciplined for whatever it is that he's done? Good for you, what ho, make him think twice next time."

"There. Will. Not. Be. A. Next. Time." Each word was enunciated as sharply as cut glass, and the colour slowly drained from Rimmer's holographic cheeks as Janeway continued. "This is your last chance. I have been _very_ patient, Mr. Rimmer. But I assure you, if any of you so much as breathes the wrong way, I will put you in your ship – repaired or not – and leave you on the nearest M-class planet for the Borg, or the Hirogen, or whoever-the-hell-else to come along, and hopefully Mr. Lister will prove as much of a headache for them as he has for me!"

Janeway turned on her heels sharply without waiting for a reply and marched from the holodeck, leaving her First Officer to smooth things over with as much diplomacy as he could muster.


	5. Chapter 5

******

Harry Kim whistled as he sauntered along one of Voyager's main corridors, nodding genially to the crewmembers he passed and smiling to himself. Even after a night's sleep, the memory of the previous evening's entertainment in the holodeck stuck in his head as though he had recorded the scene with a tricorder. Shaking his head and stifling a giggle, he entered Cargo Bay One.

Before him stood the visitors' ship, just tractored into Voyager in order that repairs could be made. It had taken a beating when it came from wherever it had been to the Delta Quadrant, but Harry decided that even fresh out of the shipyard it would never have looked pretty. The bulbous, green hull resembled an amphibious creature, hideously deformed and with spindly legs that extended from the bottom of the ship. It was a small craft, tiny compared to Voyager, but repairing it wouldn't be easy; everything was different. Propulsion, materials, shielding, computer, navigation, sensors – none of it was familiar.

"If you're done staring, I could use some help!" a voice called impatiently. The owner of the voice, B'Elanna Torres, stepped out of an open hatchway leading into the Starbug. "What's up, Harry?"

Kim shook his head. "Nothing. It's just that, well, it's so different, to Voyager I mean. To any of the technology we've come across."

"Still only two hundred elements to work with, Ensign. Let's get to work."

Harry moved towards the hatchway. As he climbed the steps, Torres spoke again, this time with a humorous note. "I hear they let Mr. Lister out of the brig," she commented. Harry grinned.

"Yeah. The Captain had a change of heart. She's confined him to quarters instead," he replied, reaching the hatch entrance and facing Torres.

"Just him? What about the others? That crazy cat keeps pressing buttons all over, and the hologram's just a pompous ass. They should all be locked up, if you ask me, and in the brig where they can't do any damage."

"Oh, I don't know, B'Elanna. They're kind of fun to have around, don't you think? And the Captain has disabled everything in their quarters except the sonic shower."

B'Elanna grinned wickedly. "I doubt there's any danger of Mr. Lister using _that_, anyway," she replied. The Chief of Engineering led Harry inside the odd little craft and to what appeared to be a computer console. She indicated a section that was partially dismantled.

"From what I can tell, these are the equivalent of our relays – a simple semiconductor array that appears to function quite well normally. A few of them were damaged, but I was able to replicate some new ones that should function like the originals. Try powering it up."

Harry nodded and, scanning the console switches, appeared mystified. "Er, which one turns it on?" he asked, blushing slightly. Torres pointed to a row of buttons along one side, slightly hidden from view.

"I'm guessing it's the big green one that says 'ON' on it."

Harry scowled and pushed the switch. Slowly, a few at a time, lights lit and flashed and the system began to vibrate and hum as the computer came back to life. Torres stood next to Harry, looking pleased with herself, Kim noticed.

"Right, that's the first step. Now we have to-" Torres broke off mid-sentence and Kim followed her gaze to a small screen set into the console. Instead of the expected text or diagrammatical display showing system status or sensor data, a face had appeared on the screen. It was rather ugly, thought Harry, with large ears and a balding head. Both officers stepped backwards when it suddenly spoke.

"What's happening, dudes?"

The voice was English, broad cockney with a humorous note that was exaggerated by the face's comical expression. Its silly grin was anything but threatening, yet Torres approached the screen cautiously.

"I'm B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer of the Starship Voyager. Who are you?"

"Starship Voyager? Sounds impressive. Course, anything's impressive after you've been stuck here for as long as I have. I never thought I'd wish I was back on Red Dwarf, but now I come to think of it-"

"Please identify yourself," snapped B'Elanna, stopping the voice mid-ramble. The face looked surprised.

"Alright, keep yer knickers on. Holly's the name. I've got an IQ of six thousand, you know. Same as three thousand social workers." He laughed at his own joke, and Harry and Torres exchanged glances. "Where's Dave and Arnold?" Holly asked, peering around as though he expected his crew to walk in any moment.

"Hang on," breathed Torres. "You're the computer, aren't you?"

"I was last time I looked. Well, not really, I can't actually look at myself, you know…"

"And you talk to your crew? Interact with them personally?"

Holly sniffed, pulling a face. "Of course. Doesn't your ship's computer talk to you?"

"Not…in the same way," Harry put in. He was starting to like this ship. A computer with a personality was a definite improvement.

"So, where's the gang, then? Living it up on your ship, partying the night away, eh? You're an alien, aren't you? Mr. Rimmer _will_ be pleased."

"Mr. Lister is currently confined to quarters – very nice, comfortable quarters – until the Captain thinks he will behave himself. Mr. Rimmer and the others are enjoying our hospitality. Look, er, Holly, your ship is damaged and I need your help to fix it. Can you run a shipwide diagnostic and give me a damage report?"

"Ooh, now that's a tricky one. Let me think…diagnostic, diagnostic…I think I've got it. Hold your horses…"

B'Elanna regarded the computer with incredulity and watched the face contort, apparently thinking about the problem. "I thought you had an IQ of six thousand," she said pointedly, and Holly adopted a pained frown.

"I've been working for three million years without so much as a tea break, give us a mo! There we go, I'll put it on screen. Bye for now then, I'll get back to my book."

The face disappeared and was replaced by a damage report that made a lot more sense to B'Elanna than Holly had.

* * *

The scowl that had adorned Seven-of-Nine's face for most of the morning threatened to become a permanent fixture. She was working in astrometrics, improving the sensor range with a series of painstaking adjustments – normally a satisfying if not pleasurable task, however being followed around by a curious humanoid cat was enough to spoil anyone's working day.

"What's this one for?" Cat asked, stretching out an inquisitive finger. Seven slapped it away from the console without speaking and ignored the question. Cat was oblivious to the irritation he was causing the former Borg, and he wandered around the astrometrics lab with exclamations here and there as he found things to interest him, mostly flashing lights. When he reached out again, Seven-of-Nine flew over and grasped his arm in a vice-like grip.

"If you touch these consoles again, I will remove you from this room," she stated with a deadly stare. Cat shrank away, straightening his sleeves and grinning his annoying grin. Seven relented.

"You may watch from there. I am attempting to recalibrate the thoron generator to enhance the resolution of the long range sensor array. It is-"

A series of beeps emanated from a side screen and, on the main screen, an image was displayed. It meant nothing to the Cat, but the blonde woman was instantly alert. Seven tapped her comm badge.

"Seven-of-Nine to Captain Janeway."

"Go ahead, Seven." The Captain sounded relaxed, but that was about to change.

"Sensors have detected a Borg cube bearing 213 mark 6. An intercept course, Captain."

There was a moment's silence, during which Cat wandered towards the large screen and tilted his head to one side, peering at the display. Then Janeway's voice sounded again, crisp and authoritative.

"Understood. I'm not far from astrometrics, I'll be there shortly."

Janeway was as good as her word, and in under two minutes the doors opened and the Captain strode in, accompanied by the hologram from Starbug. Janeway wasted no time, shooing Cat out of her way and standing by Seven.

"Just the one cube, is it?" she asked, tapping buttons on the main console. Seven nodded.

"Affirmative. However, sensors indicate that it is a large vessel, intact, with weapons and shields fully operational."

Rimmer regarded the two women with interest. "Er, are you talking about aliens, Captain?" he asked, mentally rubbing his hands. Janeway nodded without taking her eyes off the screen.

"And they're not very friendly?" persisted Rimmer, and the Captain turned to face him.

"No, Mr. Rimmer, they are not friendly. In fact, they are the Federation's most dangerous enemy. I'll tell you as much as I can whilst I escort you and Mr. Cat to your quarters where you are to stay until this situation is dealt with." Janeway nodded at Seven-of-Nine and walked off, followed by Rimmer then the Cat, who had to be dragged away by his shipmate.

* * *

_Thanks for reading this far. I hope you are enjoying the story. Bit of a boring chapter I'm afraid, but it's about to get interesting (and funny)! Please review and/or send me any comments you would like to make._


	6. Chapter 6

When Rimmer entered the Red Dwarf crew's guest quarters, Lister was sitting on a bed wearing a guilty expression and holding one hand behind his back. Wisps of pale grey smoke were rising out from behind his head and collecting in a small cloud under the ceiling. Rimmer tutted loudly.

"Er, Lister, you're not supposed to smoke here. Have you forgotten what happened the last time?"

Lister brought his hand out and took a long drag of the cigarette he was holding, exhaling the smoke towards Rimmer who flapped his hand in front of his face with an exaggerated cough.

"How did you turn the alarms off?" asked Rimmer, sitting on a bed opposite Lister as far away as he could get.

"I, er, _reconfigured the sensors_," replied Lister, making quotation marks in the air with his fingers. Rimmer shot him a pointed look and he held his hands in the air.

"Okay, okay, I smashed them with Kryten's detachable arm. It worked, though." He took another drag. "See?"

"What I see is someone who is going to be in Very Big Trouble when Captain Janeway finds out you've pulverised her sensors. Anyway, never mind that. I was just with the Captain and that blonde woman, the one with the weird bits of metal in her face, and they said they've detected a ship coming towards us."

"So?"

"This ship is full of evil cybernetic aliens called the Borg. They're half man, half machine, and they all have their minds linked together like, like a single, gigantic alien brain. It's fascinating, Listy! Once, they kidnapped the captain of another ship and turned _him_ into a Borg, but someone rescued him. And the blonde girl, Seven – _she_ used to be one, but Janeway saved her!"

"Rimmer, have you been eating those mushrooms again?"

"No, I'm telling you, this is real! The Captain looked rather worried, I can tell you. Apparently it would take three ships the size of Voyager to have a chance against the alien ship. I say we get back to Starbug and skidaddle the other way."

"You would say that, Rimmer, 'cause you're a big, yellow cowardy custard. These people are helping us, the least we can do is try to help them." Lister finished his cigarette and carefully stubbed it out on a metal sculpture that reminded him of a certain part of Kochanski's anatomy.

"What can WE do?" asked Rimmer sceptically. "If Voyager can't win a fight with these Borgs then Starbug certainly can't. Even as a diversion we wouldn't last a nanosecond." There was a long silence as both men thought, then Lister looked up with a glint in his eye.

"Three ships the size of Voyager, you say?" He grinned wickedly. "_Three?_"

Rimmer started to shake his head, raising one hand. "No. No way, absolutely not."

"Aw, come on, Rimmer, it's worth a try! Just think how grateful Janeway will be if it works!"

"Think how annoyed she'll be if it doesn't! Anyway, it won't work, because we're not going to do it. I forbid it!"

"You _forbid _it? Ha! It's _my_ triplicator, Rimmer, and I'm going to use it. Now are you going to help or not?" Lister walked to the door and paused. Eventually Rimmer stood up, tugged down his shirt and joined his friend.

"But if Janeway asks, I'm telling her you forced me to do it," Rimmer told Lister as they left the room.

*******************

"Ah, Mr. Cat, how nice to see you here again. It must be, oh, two hours since you late ate; you must be hungry. What can I get for you?" Neelix fussed around, pulling out a chair for Cat and urging him to sit down, then handing him a napkin which Cat sniffed suspiciously. Neelix took it from him and tucked it into the top of Cat's bright green, shiny shirt.

"Hey, that doesn't match! Got any orange ones? I can't wear this!" Cat wailed, plucking at the white material with the look of the mortally offended.

"I'm afraid that's the only colour we have, Mr. Cat. But it'll keep your lovely shirt clean! Now, what would you like? There's a delicious leola root casserole, or chicken pie, or, ooh, you'll love this – how about a bowl of my special six-bean soup?"

"Got any fish?" asked Cat, his face lighting up at the thought.

"As I matter of fact I have. How would you like it? Fried, grilled, poached, battered-"

"Just bring me the tank, okay? I like them when they're _moving_! Yeah, swim, little fishies!"

In fact, the fish were not actually swimming and were quite dead, having been frozen for a number of weeks. Neelix decided against telling that to the Cat, whom he could now hear singing a jaunty ditty about "Fishies in dishies". The Talaxian was sure that, with so short an attention span, the Cat would have forgotten what he ordered by the time the food was ready. 'I'll do him a nice fish pie,' thought Neelix, 'with lots of cream. Cats like cream, don't they?'

* * *

"Tom, is the cube in visual range?" Janeway wasted no time in taking over when she entered the bridge, sitting straight in the Captain's chair and addressing Voyager's helmsman. Paris shook his head.

"Not yet, Captain. Entering visual range in two minutes."

Janeway leaned over towards Chakotay, seated in the next chair, and lowered her voice. "This doesn't look good, Chakotay. We need a plan, and we need it fast. Any ideas?"

The First Officer drummed his fingertips on the chair arm, taking a moment to consider the question. "As I see it, we have two options. First, target their propulsion, do as much damage as possible with one hit then try to outrun them. Second, create a diversion of some kind and attack with everything we've got."

Janeway sighed. "I don't much like either of those, Chakotay. But we're too short of time to come up with anything more elaborate. I've asked Seven-of-Nine to come to the bridge, she might be useful. Ah, here she is now," Janeway added as the turbolift doors opened and the tall woman marched onto the bridge, taking up a position by the Captain's chair. Janeway beckoned her closer.

"Any suggestions, Seven?"

"The vessel is a long-range tactical cube designed for exploration of previously unknown systems in order to identify new targets for assimilation. Its weapons are more than a match for Voyager's. I suggest avoiding a direct confrontation."

"Well, that would be my choice too, Seven, but since it's heading straight for us I doubt that's an option. What about uploading a virus into the ship, could that be done somehow?"

Seven-of-Nine considered the Captain's suggestion, then shook her head. "Not from Voyager. If it were possible for someone to beam aboard the cube, it could be done, however that would require the Borg shields to be disabled."

"Could we do that using a photon torpedo?" asked Chakotay, a hopeful expression flitting across his features.

"Unlikely," the former Borg replied, inclining her head. "The shield generator is well protected by secondary shielding. A torpedo may weaken the shields, but they would remain operational."

Janeway thumped a fist on the chair arm in frustration.

"We have them on visual, Captain," called Tom Paris, pressing buttons to bring the Borg cube up on the viewscreen. It looked like every other cube they had seen – huge, grey and menacing. Everyone stared at it simultaneously, most of them feeling a quiver of fear run down their spine as slowly the ship drew closer.

"Shall I raise shields, Captain?" asked Tuvok from his position at the weapons station.

Janeway held up a finger. "Not yet, Tuvok. Let's see what they're up to first."

Suddenly, several alarms began to sound and Janeway turned around to face Harry Kim, raising her eyebrows and waiting for a report. Kim was pressing buttons quickly, assessing the information provided by the computer.

"I don't understand, Captain. I'm detecting two more ships, one to port and one to starboard, both at a distance of twenty thousand kilometres. They just appeared out of nowhere."

Janeway shot up out of her chair. "Borg?"

"No, Captain. They're…they're Federation."

Janeway and Chakotay exchanged glances, and Janeway shrugged. "On screen," she ordered, wondering what they were going to see. She was certain that it was a Borg trick of some kind and determined that she would not allow it to distract her from the approaching vessel. The display changed, showing an image of Voyager.

"Tom? Why are we looking at Voyager? Show me the ship to starboard."

"Captain, I know this sounds crazy, but that _is_ the ship to starboard. And _this_," he paused to press a button on his console, "is the ship to port. They're identical, to each other and to Voyager."

Janeway sank into her chair and rested her chin on her hand, staring intently at the screen. Her comm badge beeped and the voice of Voyager's Chief Engineer sounded, startling the Captain.

"What is it, lieutenant?" Janeway demanded.

"Captain, we just detected an energy wave of some kind that appeared to originate somewhere in the region of cargo bay one. I'm afraid I can't be any more specific as the sensors couldn't identify the source or the type of wave; it's like nothing I've ever seen before."

"I've had no reports of any damage or intruders, so for now let's concentrate on that Borg cube and worry about strange waves later."

"Acknowledged. Torres out."

Harry Kim cleared his throat nervously. "Er, Captain? We're being hailed."

"The Borg? Resistance is futile, surrender your vessel and all that?"

"Ah, no. You are being hailed, by, er, by…yourself. I mean, she says she's Captain Janeway."

The Captain leaned over to speak to Chakotay again. "You know, if it weren't for that cube out there, I would bet my boots that this had something to do with our new friends from Red Dwarf." As Janeway finished talking, the turbolift doors swished open and Rimmer and Lister stepped hesitantly onto the bridge. Rimmer shoved Lister forward none-too-gently.

"Ah, Captain? Erm, I think there's something you should know…" began Lister.


	7. Chapter 7

"Explain. Now!" hissed Janeway, ignoring the beeping as Voyager was hailed repeatedly. Lister squirmed as his shipmate watched with an expression of unbridled glee. The Captain's eyes bored into Lister's as he met her stare with a meek grin.

"Well, you see, Captain, we -"

Rimmer coughed loudly and Lister glared at the hologram.

"Okay, _I_ used the triplicator. It makes two copies, a bad one and a good one. I thought it would help us fight the cube. They'll help us if you ask, well the good ones will, I think. I'm sorry, I should've asked, I just thought…" Lister tailed off.

"We'll discuss your reckless irresponsibility later. On screen, Mr. Kim."

Janeway was momentarily stunned. On the viewscreen appeared another Janeway; superficially the same but altogether different. The woman's appearance was perfect, with silky smooth skin and not a hair out of place. Her auburn locks were a deep, luscious red with a sheen that Janeway had never managed to achieve. Clear, ice-blue eyes shone as her counterpart smiled, showing a perfect set of white teeth. Her uniform had not a single crease, her badge and four gleaming pips reflected the light around her. Behind the replicate Captain, the bridge sparkled and equally perfect versions of crewmembers worked efficiently at their stations. Janeway pulled her thoughts together.

"I'm Captain Kath-"

"I know who you are. Do you require assistance?" The voice was just that little bit deeper, smoother, richer than Janeway's own, oozing from those exquisite lips like treacle. Janeway grimaced with the tiniest hint of jealousy.

"Yes. Can you help us?"

An explosion rocked Voyager and the communication was abruptly cut off, replaced on the viewscreen by an image of the looming Borg vessel, now within weapons range.

"Tuvok, arm torpedoes. Target their weapons, full spread. Fire!"

A volley of torpedoes hurtled towards the cube, joined by a burst of phaser fire from the replicate. There was still no sign of action from the third Voyager, and Janeway ignored it as the battle continued. As shields were weakened almost to nothing, with only minimal damage suffered by the Borg, there were several worried expressions worn by the bridge crew. The enemy stepped up its attack, firing on all three Voyagers.

"The other ship is hailing again, Captain," yelled Kim, punching it up on screen.

"Captain, the situation has deteriorated. I have a plan. Target their weapons again and keep firing." The perfect Janeway was gone before normal Janeway could reply. She ordered Tuvok to do as her counterpart had instructed and waited, tensed like a cat about to pounce.

"Captain, the third Voyager, her shields have failed, she's gonna -"

Before Paris could finish, the ship exploded. The crew stared, momentarily distracted from the Borg. Then, as though in slow motion, the remaining replicate ship smashed into one side of the enemy vessel, the resulting explosion temporarily obstructing the view. When the debris cleared, the severely damaged Borg cube was seen limping away at low speed.

"Shall I set a pursuit course, Captain?" asked the helmsman. Janeway shook her head.

"We'll be long gone before they can go to warp again. Resume previous course. Gentlemen," continued the Captain, addressing Rimmer and Lister, "my ready room, please." She nodded to Chakotay who rose to join them.

"Transporter room one to the bridge," a male voice sounded through the comm system, its tone panicked.

"Go ahead," replied Janeway tersely.

"Ma'am, four intruders just beamed aboard, fired some kind of weapon that knocked us out. It looked like the Red Dwarf crew, Captain, only…nastier."

"Acknowledged. Bridge out." Janeway turned to her security officer. "Tuvok, take as many teams as you need and find them."

"Internal sensors have been damaged, Captain, and cannot locate the intruders."

"Then search the old fashioned way. Hell, replicate a pack of hounds, I don't care, but get them before they do any harm!"

Tipping her head at Chakotay, Rimmer and Lister, the formidable Captain marched towards her ready room, the men trailing behind her.

* * *

Janeway eased into the chair behind her desk, like a Headmistress facing a trio of naughty children. Even Chakotay looked guilty, though Janeway couldn't imagine why. She regarded the scruffy human and his holographic friend intently. Though his actions had been misguided at best and downright dangerous at worst, Lister's intentions had been good-hearted, trying to aid Voyager when help was badly needed. And that was what had happened, albeit with the inconvenience of having four marauding evil copies stalking Voyager's decks.

"What can we expect from your…replicates?" asked Janeway finally in a level voice that made Lister relax somewhat. Maybe they weren't about to get thrown in the brig after all.

"They're evil, Captain," stated Rimmer. "Evil, dirty, vicious, smelly, sneaky-"

Janeway cut off Rimmer's list of adjectives with a trademark look. Lister stepped in. "They're bad versions of us, Cap'n. Their weapons might not work properly, 'cause they'll be bad copies too, and they'll try to murder your crew, but they'll be no match for Voyager's security."

"I hope you're right, Mr. Lister. Now, I ought to punish you for what you did. Replicating my ship?! I should lock you up." She held up her hand to stop Rimmer's protests. "However, your act of recklessness saved Voyager, and for that I'm grateful."

"Grateful enough not to throw us off the ship?" asked Lister, a small grin appearing on his face. Janeway nodded and smiled before turning to Chakotay. "I want a full damage report and estimated times for repairs. Dismissed."

The Captain leaned back in her chair, contemplating the events of the past hours and days. The visitors from Red Dwarf had proven to be a headache, but Janeway had identified a resilience in them that Voyager needed, almost as though the danger they seemed to attract bounced harmlessly off. They were like adolescents, she thought, clever yet with a disregard for rules and at times demonstrating breathtaking stupidity, needing both boundaries and freedom. Janeway sighed and rose. She needed a coffee.

* * *

In their guest quarters the Red Dwarf crew held an impromptu meeting. Well, more of an argument in truth, with Kryten and Holly (who had been linked to their monitor by a sympathetic Harry Kim) trying to keep the peace.

"If you ask me, this is one ungrateful bunch of monkeys," drawled Cat, draping himself over a chair in a picture of relaxation yet somehow managing to not rumple his pink and lime green suit in the slightest. Rimmer nodded vigorously in agreement. Lister stood up and paced across the room.

"Whoa, whoa, guys. How can you say that? We're lucky we're still on board. Hollister would've had Todhunter dangle us out of an airlock for the rest of the trip."

"You, perhaps, Lister, but what have _we_ done?" replied Rimmer, sweeping his hand to indicate himself and his other shipmates. "As I recall, everything that has happened to annoy Captain Janeway has been, let me see, _your_ fault. We're just innocent bystanders."

Lister shot the hologram a withering look. "_I_ saved the ship, Rimmer. What have you done apart from bug Janeway and that engineer woman?"

"I'm just saying, I don't think we should suffer because of your lack of working brain cells," sniffed Rimmer.

"Are you calling me stupid?" Lister demanded, causing the others to step backwards involuntarily.

"If the shoe fits, Listy…"

"Look who's talking, _Captain_ Rimmer!" Lister gave a comically exaggerated parody of Rimmer's trademark salute.

"Gimboid!" shouted the hologram, clenching his fists and waving them at Lister in what was supposed to be a threatening gesture but looked ludicrous coming from Arnold J. Rimmer.

"Git!" responded Lister.

"Cretin!"

"Arsehole!"

The men faced each other, red-cheeked and panting, and Kryten pushed between them.

"Now sirs, there's no need to argue. You're _both_ right. Mr Lister is clearly of below-average intelligence, and Mr. Rimmer is indeed not dissimilar to a rectal orifice. Now please stop arguing." Kryten's words somehow calmed the Red Dwarf men and they retreated to opposite sides of the room, content to glower at each other.

"What are we gonna do?" murmured Lister, shaking his head and plopping down onto a bed. "I doubt Janeway'll let us stay much longer, we don't know how to get back to our reality."

"She won't just abandon us, Lister. These are good people, decent people with morals. They'll help us, I'm certain, if you can just behave yourself for two minutes. What do you think, Holly?"

The ugly face grinned from the screen set into one wall.

"Thought you'd never ask! I've been working on a way to get us home."

There was a gasp, followed by a chorus of eager voices.

"How?"

"When?"

"Fantastic!"

Holly gave an embarrassed cough. "I said I've been working on it. It's not possible. We're stuck here. Sorry."

"What?!" cried Rimmer, open-mouthed. "But-"

"We can't go back? Ever?" Lister asked.

"That's about the size of it, yeah," admitted Holly. "It's about space and time, space-time in fact, all very complicated. Now, who's up for a game of monopoly?"

* * *

Seven-of-Nine did not deign to look up when the doors to Astrometrics swished open, the blonde Borg preferring to concentrate wholly on her work. She was a little surprised when a hand rested gently on her shoulder, and whipped around to face the intruder. A startled Janeway jumped back a step, holding both hands aloft. Seven inclined her head, an amused smile playing around the corners of her mouth.

"Sorry if I startled you, Seven. Found anything useful?"

The former Borg frowned slightly. "I have found many _useful_ things. Can you be more specific, Captain?"

Janeway smiled to herself whilst keeping an outwardly straight face. Her enigmatic young friend met Janeway's look with a cool stare of her own, and the Captain marvelled at the composure in those cool blue eyes.

"Let's see," began Janeway, again lightly touching the younger woman's shoulder and gently pulling her around to face the viewscreen, which was displaying a close-up image of Starbug as it exited the anomaly. Janeway waved her other hand vaguely in the direction of the screen. "What about getting our visitors back to their own universe and out of mine?"

Seven pressed a series of buttons on the main console, bringing up several complex images on a split screen, and launched into what promised to be a fascinating but lengthy, not to mention difficult-to-follow, exposé on the problem. Janeway turned to face her crewman and stopped her with a shake of the head.

"Sorry, Seven, but could you just sum up your findings for now? I'm a little pushed for time."

"As you wish," replied Seven, rather curtly it seemed to Janeway. "We could send the Starbug back by recreating the anomaly, or a close approximation of it, using a combination of beams from the deflector in addition to a field formed from the detonation of modified photon torpedoes."

"Great work, Seven!" enthused Janeway. "How long will it take to -"

"I was not finished, Captain. As I was saying, we could send the visitors' ship back, however I estimate that it would arrive in approximately two thousand, six hundred pieces." Seven finished and waited, watching the older woman's expression as it changed from hopeful excitement to resigned deflation. Janeway ran a hand through her hair, turning once more towards the viewscreen.

"Maybe we could -"

"I have considered all available options, Captain. We do not have the necessary technology."

"Then how did they get here in the first place? Their tiny ship is nowhere near as advanced as Voyager."

"That is so, in our universe, however in the universe from which they originated it is clear that science has progressed differently in their reality. They may have encountered a phenomenon which does not exist here and utilised technology that either has not yet been conceived or could not function here."

The two women stood in contemplative silence. After several minutes Janeway turned to her companion and spoke softly. "What should I do, Seven? I can't just fix their ship and send them merrily on their way. Voyager barely survived her first year in the Delta Quadrant; I'd give Starbug a week at most."

"The crew are resourceful, their technology so different that they would possess an advantage over any attackers. They will adapt." Seven's reply was all Borg, making the Captain smile.

"I expect that 'chicken tikka masala' concoction could decimate an army of Hirogen," laughed Janeway. "We could use their technology and resourcefulness here, Seven, don't you think?"

The young blonde looked sceptical even compared to her usual expression. "That would be your decision, Captain." She turned back to her workstation, effectively ending the conversation.

"Yes, I suppose it would," murmured Janeway.


	8. Chapter 8

A short while later found Tuvok, Rimmer, Janeway and Lister at the entrance to Holodeck One. Tuvok's security team had located the four intruders there, evil replicates of the Red Dwarf crew that had managed to beam aboard before their copy of Voyager was destroyed by the Borg.

"The holodeck controls and safety have been disabled, Captain. I cannot shut down the program until it is repaired."

"How long would that take?" demanded Janeway, hands on hips in an aggressive pose that clearly meant business. "And how were they able to do that? Do we not have security codes any more?" She was annoyed, and it was not helped by Tuvok's patient reply.

"Twenty minutes, Captain. The holodeck functions are restricted to crew access, however the intruders utilised a more direct approach."

The control panel had been violently and thoroughly attacked with a hard object. Lister nodded wisely. "Yeah, brute force, works every time y'know." Janeway glared daggers at the little man and he had the grace to look down.

"I'm not waiting. Open the doors."

Lister and Tuvok together forced the doors open manually whilst Janeway stood ready with her phaser trained on the opening. They entered two at a time, the Starfleet officers showing their combat training in a leapfrogging manoeuvre, weapons raised, whilst Rimmer and Lister ambled along behind, looking round interestedly. The scene was that of a 'Wild West' town complete with dusty streets, wooden buildings, rails for horses and, down the main street on the left hand side, music and laughter floating on the air through a pair of swing doors from what was unmistakeably a tavern.

As the party approached, the music grew louder, a typical melody poorly executed on an out-of-tune piano. Holstering her phaser and signalling to the others to do the same, Janeway entered the bar with her men on her heels. As they piled in, the music stopped abruptly and a dozen pairs of hard eyes turned to stare at the newcomers. Lister wriggled past Tuvok to stand beside the Captain.

"Want me to handle this, Captain? All these Wild West simulations are the same, and I've played these games loads." He meant well, but this was Janeway's ship. She shook her head almost imperceptibly, her eyes darting around the room. The intruders were not in sight. Straightening her shoulders, Janeway marched up to the bar. The music resumed as Lister scuttled after her, followed by Voyager's security chief and the Red Dwarf hologram, who appeared nervous and kept close to the Vulcan officer.

"We're looking for four men. Two of them look like these gentlemen here," she informed the brawny barkeeper, gesturing towards Lister and Rimmer, "but probably a lot meaner. The others look like a robot and a cat. Have you seen them?"

The barman stopped polishing a dirty glass with his dirty towel and regarded Janeway with a look that was hard to decipher but which may have included annoyance, surprise and appreciation for the fine woman who had addressed him.

"Ain't you gonna buy some drinks first, lady?" he drawled in a deep, masculine voice, banging the glass down on the counter in front of Janeway, who didn't even flinch.

"Okay. What've you got?" asked the Captain, ignoring Lister's frantic headshakes.

"Whiskey," replied the older man, grinning. "Hardly suitable for a lady, if you don't mind me saying. Heck, if you can drink it, sweet cheeks, you can have it for free."

"Four whiskeys, please," Janeway replied coolly, keeping eye contact with the bartender, who shrugged as if to say 'it's your life and I don't care either way'.

"Ooooookaaaay," he drawled, deftly splashing pale amber liquid into four small glasses which were lifted with no small amount of trepidation by their recipients. Captain Janeway raised her glass. "Bottoms up, gentlemen."

Tuvok sipped the drink cautiously, his Vulcan lack of emotions keeping his reaction in check apart from a single raised eyebrow. Rimmer sniffed at the liquid then screwed up his face in disgust, surreptitiously placing it on a nearby table untouched. Bravely his shipmate took a hearty swig from his glass and instantly doubled over in a spasm of choking, some of the fiery spirit trickling down his stubbly chin. Meanwhile, as nonchalantly as could be, Janeway had swallowed down her glass without so much as a grimace and was now smiling at the bartender. Lister, once he could speak again, leaned towards the Captain.

"Do they teach you that in Captain's training," he asked, impressed at the feat. Janeway shot a sideways grin at him.

"Every year my grandfather used to make an apple brew so potent it makes this stuff seem like milk." She then addressed the barkeeper in her usual tone, impossible to refuse. "Have you seen the men we're looking for?"

The barman nodded. "Yes Ma'am, they left here just afore you came in. Said somethin' 'bout a showdown, or was it a shootout?"

Janeway rolled her eyes. She would have been amused by the cliché had the holodeck safeties not been disabled. As it was, the situation was anything but funny.

"What time is this…shootout?" she demanded, only to receive a chorus of guffaws in response from all the patrons within earshot. Lister came to her rescue.

"Er, it'll be midday, Captain. High noon. It's always the same, trust me."

A glance at a clock on one wall showed the time as 11.58. With a deep breath, Janeway led her men out into the open street, where a holographic sun beat down on their heads and forced them to squint in the bright light. Out of the dusty distance four figures emerged, all carrying huge weapons. Janeway recognised two plasma rifles, and from Rimmer's terrified expression the other weapons were Red Dwarf issue and just as formidable. The intruders approached to within a couple of dozen paces and stopped.

Janeway stepped forward. She would have preferred to shoot them first and then sort it out later, but there were regulations about that sort of thing. "Welcome aboard, gentlemen. Can we discuss this like civilised people?"

The evil Lister, wearing scruffy black leathers as did all the replicates, laughed raucously, which Janeway took as a no. Her own Lister bravely squared up, standing again beside the Captain. "Erm, aren't there some sort of rules about shootouts, y'know, walk then turn and stuff?"

Again there was laughter, which evil Rimmer cut off with a wave of one hand. "There are only two rules, Listy. We live," he stated, raising his weapon and aiming directly at Janeway, "and you die." As his finger moved on the trigger and Janeway flung herself to one side, there was the sound of a very slight 'pop'. When she looked round, spitting out a mouthful of dust, the intruders were gone. Lister was immediately at her arm, helping her up. Janeway brushed off her uniform as she stared at the place where the four men had stood.

"What happened?" she asked, directing the question at Tuvok who had produced a tricorder and was scanning the holodeck, but it was Lister who answered.

"Oh, yeah, erm, I forgot to mention – the copies only last an hour. Sorry."

It took all of Captain Janeway's willpower not to throttle the scruffy man with the cheeky grin right where he stood.

* * *

There was quite a gathering in the briefing room, one more suited to a crisis negotiation or a discussion of battle tactics than a meeting about a scruffy, lazy human, a paranoid, arrogant hologram, a subservient mechanoid and the vain, feline humanoid descendent of a pet cat. Their mostly harmless guests were amusing themselves in the mess hall, safely watched over by a discreet pair of security personnel. Janeway started the meeting with a question, asked of her Chief of Engineering.

"Have you completed the repairs to their ship, Lieutenant?" B'Elanna Torres nodded in reply.

"Everything seems to be working properly, though it's pretty hard to tell." She shrugged. "Their humorous talking computer seems happy with it, and that's good enough for me."

Janeway then turned to Seven-of-Nine and asked another question, one to which the Captain knew well what her friend's reply would be. "Is there any way to send them safely back to where they came from?"

"Negative, Captain." Janeway didn't press for more, knowing that the former Borg would have exhausted every possibility and that if she said no, then no it was.

"Tuvok," continued Janeway, "as Security Chief, what is your assessment of the security risk posed by our guests?"

Torres let out a loud snort of disbelief. "Captain, you can't surely be considering allowing them to stay on Voyager?" Her tone was incredulous, and there were several nods of agreement around the table. Janeway regarded the fiery-tempered Klingon with a cool gaze, then turned back to Tuvok.

"The threat to security is minimal, Captain. These people have no malicious intentions towards us and have indeed demonstrated their wish to keep Voyager from harm."

"Captain, they could've destroyed the ship!" B'Elanna cut in again and had to be hushed by Tom Paris who sat next to her, looking relaxed and content to listen.

"So could the Borg," countered Janeway harshly. "Nevertheless, I take your point. Chakotay, what is the danger of them causing unintentional harm to Voyager or her crew?"

The quiet man paused before answering. As First Officer, all department chiefs reported to him; he was in charge of day-to-day personnel issues, shift rotation, duty allocations. He thought out his answer carefully.

"All four of them would need to be supervised around vital systems and to undergo a period of intense training to become familiar with our technology. We would need to introduce additional security measures to guard against their…curious nature causing any trouble. In particular, the Cat and Mr. Lister could be difficult at first. But as for doing any serious damage, I can't see that happening."

"Oh, please, that Cat presses every button he sees! Ok, so he can't set the self-destruct, but how about decompressing the cargo bay or overloading a few plasma relays? And if we're not sucked out into space or vaporised in a plasma leak, the females on the crew will never get a moment's rest with that sex-crazed clothes-hanger on board!"

"The Lieutenant has a point, Captain," added Seven, who had been pestered by Cat since he arrived on board. Everyone around the table began to talk at once, and Janeway called for silence.

"I know the Cat is a bit of a handful, but what about the others? Tom, you've spent time with Mr. Lister, what is your view of him?"

"He's….different, Captain," Tom answered slowly. "He wasn't an officer, didn't want to be one, but since their crew died he's come out as the natural leader. He's smart, resourceful and won't give up without a fight. But…he doesn't like being part of a command structure, resents authority figures. You'd need to allow him some freedom or he would rebel."

Silent until now, the Doctor spoke up. "I've been talking to Mr. Rimmer lot, Captain. He has his faults, but he appears to have provided some stability to their crew, tempering the recklessness of Lister and the Cat. He is ambitious, but not overly bright, and unlike Mr. Lister he thrives in an environment such as ours, even when he possesses the lowest of ranks."

"Thank you, Doctor," said Janeway, leaning her chin on her hands. "Well-"

"What about the mechanoid?" Tom asked suddenly, looking around the table. For the first time Torres showed a spark of enthusiasm.

"He's been helping us with the repairs. Actually, he's done a good job. No arguments, no insubordination-" here B'Elanna shot a quick but meaningful glance towards Seven-of-Nine, whose first few days aboard had been less than peaceful, "-he does what he's asked and seems happy to help."

Janeway tapped her fingers on the desk, thinking. There was nothing for it; she had to make a decision. Or rather, she thought, glancing at each of her loyal, capable officers in turn, _they_ had to make a decision.

"In my opinion, we can't send them off on their own, even with their ship now repaired. The Delta Quadrant is too dangerous for them to be abandoned. And let's not forget – they're from Earth. Not our Earth, but it's still home for them as much as for us. But as we've discussed, there are risks involved in keeping them on board and they do seem to have a knack for getting out of trouble. I'm going to ask each of you in turn for your vote. Let them stay, or ask them to leave. Harry?"

"I say let them stay, if they want to, Captain."

"Tom?"

"Fine by me."

"Tuvok?"

"I would also agree, Captain, though not without reservations."

"Thanks, Tuvok. B'Elanna?" There was a silence as all eyes watched the feisty engineer. She brought her fists down with a thud.

"But, Captain, they're – they're a _menace_!"

"Come on, B'Elanna," Tom wheedled, with a broad grin. "Where's that Klingon thirst for adventure?"

"All right, fine. As long as they stay out of my engine room, whatever."

"Doctor?"

"Always happy to receive new patients, Captain."

"Neelix?"

"Of course they should stay, Captain, it's dangerous out there. Who knows what could happen to them?"

"Seven?"

"I concur."

"Chakotay?"

Voyager's First Officer smiled at Janeway. "I agree, Captain. If the Red Dwarf crew want to stay on Voyager, we'll find a way to make it work. You took in my Maquis crew, then Neelix and Kes, and Seven of course. The more, the merrier."

"Thank you, Commander. I suppose, then, the matter is settled. Assuming our guests agree, I propose a welcome party tonight, Holodeck One. Neelix?"

"I'll see to it, Captain." The furry Talaxian scuttled off eagerly.

As Janeway remained seated, all but one of the others made their way from the briefing room, and the Captain was unsurprised by the identity of the crewmember who remained behind.

"Problem, Seven?" enquired Janeway of the younger woman. Her friend faced her squarely and Janeway sensed a difficult question on her lips.

"Do you think this is a wise decision, Captain?" the former Borg asked, her approach forthright as usual. Janeway leaned back in her chair and tilted her head to one side, her grey-blue eyes settling intently on Seven-of-Nine.

"Perhaps not, Seven, but it's the human one. We don't leave our people behind."

* * *

The End.

Thank you all for reading. I enjoyed writing this story very much, and I may write a sequel in the future as there is definitely the potential for more.

Sam C.


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